the bittersweet aftertaste of victory.

Batizado week is FINALLY over. whew.
but the ride was exhilarating while it lasted.
like seriously man, the workshops were awesome stuff.

and the instructors, they were... wow.
especially Grao and Rafael - they were overwhelming.
and they're so nice! haha now i'm gushing like some adolescent fangirl.
i feel i've learnt a lot from this week - and not just in terms of new moves.

but now that coral belt sits heavy on me.
it holds my pants up, but it's also weighing my shoulders down.

another depressing weekend.

this is becoming a pattern.
since when did saturdays become synonymous with emptiness, spontaneous crying and longing?

seriously man, there's too much shit happening around me and within.
i shouldn't have to deal with suicide, relapse and auto-asphyxiation. even when they're all of the emotional variety and not actually happening.

and it's not helping that the things that are supposed to make me happy aren't.
as much as i'm looking forward to Batizado, it's making me worry if i'll measure up to what my seniors can do, and have done, after i get my cord.

and how can love hurt when it's not real?
perhaps because somewhere deep inside me, i've already resigned myself to the fact that this one, like all my crushes before, will pass, leaving me to wade blindly through this ephemeral mist that, even though it is weightless, crushes me like the weight of the world.
even though i think this one will be different.

like how i thought all those that came before would be different, and they failed all the same.

at least i still have Capoeira to preserve my (in)sanity. and awesome friends.
and i'm meeting bestbro tomorrow! there's so much we haven't said and shared.
get ready for a lame-ass Sunday afternoon, Ben!

fools on parade cavort and carry on; to waiting eyes...

oh darling, won't you come save me from myself, complete my ABCs.

i think i know why i've been improving my jogar (play).
it must've been last week.

last Saturday we had a roda at Clarke Quay. which i've blogged about in part.
what i didn't mention was that for quite some time now, (actually, ever since i discovered Bantus Singapore has a Youtube channel) i've watched videos on Youtube to see how other people play in the roda.
last Thursday or Friday, i so happened to chance upon a video of me (and Deb) at our last roda, which was to celebrate for Claudinho. and i very clearly remember thinking (and saying) to myself, "Man, I suck."

that might've been the conscious motivation for me to improve. so that i could look better in video. of course my gut needs work too, but that's another story altogether.

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and today i learnt about Jedi. not the Star Wars ones.
the answer was obvious. in front of my face.
and i suspect i might've known it all along but never bothered to consider it.

be that as it may, the RP people are still way better than us.
i should make that motivation #2.

my joy is...

today made my holiday. today's training was awesome stuff.
even if it was just practicing the basics, it felt good.

even if it's just scratching the surface, it makes me happy.
it's a good feeling. it's as though this "flow" i've got (or rather, gained) truly belongs to me and no one else can take it away or imitate it.

please don't let next semester's timetable be full of fucked-up timings. classes had better end before 5.30 on Tuesdays and Thursdays. or else imma skip that shit.

or maybe just the last 5 mins. if they end at 5.30 exactly.
think about it: when you have 20 restless teenagers waiting to get their asses out of class, what important things can you accomplish in 5 minutes?

it's been a long time since i felt so high. nananana can't wait for Batizado! gehehehehehehe.

"but you're so bad, it's funny!"

i felt like blogging over the past few days, but didn't really have something to talk about. so today, i'll combine everything i've seen.

today we had RODA. at CLARKE QUAY.
today was good in a few ways. we had less people than the last roda, but we finished with a much bigger audience than last time. maybe everyone put more Axé into it. i could feel it.
it started to rain only when we finished and left. gotta thank God for that!

and i did more stuff (and played more) in the roda too. today i went in, like, 2 or 3 times as opposed to last time when i went in just once. and i think i played better.
though that may be in part due to me catching myself in a video of our last roda. man i sucked. majorly.
even though Jemuel still had to "choo-choo train" me to the front.

oh, and Polly? sorry i pulled that armada vo dora on you. i was planning on doing it earlier but i got compra-ed out.

only now have i started to comprehend what Claudinho meant when he said "40 percent of Capoeira, you learn in the classroom; the other 60 percent, you learn in the roda".

(i should end the post here while i sound so philosophical and "Confucius says", but i'm not done yet)

oh yes. SENTOSA on Wednesday!
it was nice to have a day just to chill. and not expect to do so many things at the beach, but just relax.
which is different from lazing around on my ass at home.
and we had Captain's Ball on the sand, which was awesome. Polly's ingenious bartop-dancing technique sure scored us some points.
note to self: do not attempt Capoeira on a beach. kicks and spins can cause disastrous results for spectators.

yep, that's it! nothing else in my holiday has been worthy of mention.
ps. i'm sorry if there were too many technical terms.