let it be known that Ikea's chicken wings are awesome shit.

the meatballs are nice, but it'll take me a while to really really like them.
i think it's the beef. it smells kinda funny.

run me through with my own sword. or pencil.

something's killing me.
i think it's you.

yes, darling, i think it's you.

there i go again, pretending to be you.

yesterday.
i went to Anchorpoint to meet Annabelle so we could buy tickets to the Muse concert next February.

it's a hundred and fifty-eight bucks gone, but now i ish happy. ^_^ despite the rain yesterday.
observe this conversation:

Annabelle: K. Where're you anyhow.
Me: At tiong bahru. I take 33 from redhill right?
Yup. Get out of the mrt and cross the road to the bus stop. I think i better take umbrella to find you at Ikea bus stop.
Ok. Hahah why! Are there a lot of ppl there? Don't they all drive to ikea?
Huh its raining damn heavily! You be caught in the rain leh.
*train comes above ground and reaches redhill*
0.o what the FUCK!?

well, joy has no price, so what do you want?

and that's one quarter (for now) of one of my life goals accomplished: to see my favourite bands in concert. and the one that's most likely to take place too.
seeing as how my other favourite bands (for now) are the Arctic Monkeys (ehh...), the White Stripes (i don't think so), and Nirvana.

which obviously will not happen, unless Kurt Cobain should come back to life via some strange supernatural occurence.

and i've discovered the joys of Queensway.
i was actually just looking around for a cap or running shoes, but i think i'll return there in the holidays to shop.

thanks for hanging out with me Annabelle!

today i was supposed to go out with the guys for steamboat dinner at Bugis, but it fell through and became failboat. lol
another time perhaps.

and Depressing Saturday is still on. i really need to find something to do.
i mean, i could study, but i'll be damned if that perks me up.

Capoeira is off for December! boohoo.
but then again, i could use the time for my back to recover. please come back to me, dear space-near-my-kidneys.

boys like girls like boys.

maybe it's true; i can't live without you
and maybe two is better than one
we've so much time to figure out the rest of our lives
and you've already got me coming undone

and i'm thinking that
two is better than one.

never has a Boys Like Girls song made any sense to me.
until this week.

the facts have been laid bare to me. maybe it is all that simple - that we can just continue as friends.
but something inside me isn't willing to lie down and let it die. oh why.
perhaps it is all that simple.
it should be, but it isn't.

now that we're here, we may as well go too far...

is it ironic that passionfruit is sour?
or is it just a sarcastic truth that is realised only when people're supremely bored, or broken-hearted and trying to cheer themselves up in the most sadistic ways ever imagined?

annika235:-
i simply CANNOT understand how you can break hearts in 17 syllables. it should be illegal.

i cannot understand how people can put haikus together so effortlessly. and beautifully.
but i don't really care, as long as i can keep on agonising through writing.

you're the surprisenotshock, aim to stun but not to kill.

you've destroyed me; i thought i should let you know.
i'm severely out of it. school means nothing to me now, no more than just hours through the meat grinder.
capoeira is my only escape; my only oasis of sanity.
i'll just flee from emotional pain by inflicting physical pain. if ever that would work.

but what are the chances that i'll see your face everywhere?

straight circles, caipirinhas and horny old men.

so after Batizado yesterday, we had a barbeque at someone's condo at Tanjong Rhu. it's like so troublesome to get there can. haha

but i suppose it was worth it. which is not to say i had "fun", not in the fundamental sense of the word, no.
but it was an experience. it was nice just spending time and feeling the community spirit.

oh, and thanks to the internet (Bantus Australia's site actually) i found out what Bantus means. and how apt.

What does Bantus Mean?
The name Bantus refers to a broad African ethnic group, the Bantu people, who shared a similar language root and occupied two thirds of Western & Southern Africa (Angola, Guinea, Congo, Mozambique etc). The term Bantu refers to over 400 different ethnic groups from these African regions. –NTU means “human” and BA- indicates a plural, put together it means “people”.

in essence, we represent what Capoeira is about - something by the people, for the people.

anyway, we got there at 8 plus, and hung around till 12 plus - when Ray, Polly and I realised the last bus had left.
so we were screwed.
being capoeiristas, we did the only thing capoeiristas could - improvise.

from there we spent the whole night talking cock (and i do mean both figuratively and literally) and laughing and essentially enjoying being around each other, all while roaming the Kallang waterfront.
and macs breakfast. hahah

thanks Deb. if someone had to tell me, it might as well have been you.
at least i don't have to find out for myself the hard way. love ya big sis.

the bittersweet aftertaste of victory.

Batizado week is FINALLY over. whew.
but the ride was exhilarating while it lasted.
like seriously man, the workshops were awesome stuff.

and the instructors, they were... wow.
especially Grao and Rafael - they were overwhelming.
and they're so nice! haha now i'm gushing like some adolescent fangirl.
i feel i've learnt a lot from this week - and not just in terms of new moves.

but now that coral belt sits heavy on me.
it holds my pants up, but it's also weighing my shoulders down.

another depressing weekend.

this is becoming a pattern.
since when did saturdays become synonymous with emptiness, spontaneous crying and longing?

seriously man, there's too much shit happening around me and within.
i shouldn't have to deal with suicide, relapse and auto-asphyxiation. even when they're all of the emotional variety and not actually happening.

and it's not helping that the things that are supposed to make me happy aren't.
as much as i'm looking forward to Batizado, it's making me worry if i'll measure up to what my seniors can do, and have done, after i get my cord.

and how can love hurt when it's not real?
perhaps because somewhere deep inside me, i've already resigned myself to the fact that this one, like all my crushes before, will pass, leaving me to wade blindly through this ephemeral mist that, even though it is weightless, crushes me like the weight of the world.
even though i think this one will be different.

like how i thought all those that came before would be different, and they failed all the same.

at least i still have Capoeira to preserve my (in)sanity. and awesome friends.
and i'm meeting bestbro tomorrow! there's so much we haven't said and shared.
get ready for a lame-ass Sunday afternoon, Ben!

fools on parade cavort and carry on; to waiting eyes...

oh darling, won't you come save me from myself, complete my ABCs.

you are the fugitive, but you don't know what you're running from.

2 + 3. exhaustion/ depression

it's been ongoing for quite some time now, i've noticed.
i haven't been to prayer meeting for a couple of months, and even longer for Life Arts.
it seems that i never listen to my first instincts, and whenever i don't, they're right.

and late nights have caused another kind of tiredness, but that happens to everyone so who cares.
------------

and following a series of surprising and even mildly shocking revelations via msn, from sometime last week, i've felt even more drained.

i seem to remember saying earlier this year that i wanted to be depressed. so i could write more, and better.
i feel that i wrote better, if i wrote at all, when i was depressed.
well, i can't say i didn't get my wish.

but now, at writing two or three poems (for lack of a better word - i don't like the term), i feel like crap. mainly because i've milked them from others' misery.

at first i was like "hey i've got to write this! it sounds awesome!"
but after i'm done, i hate myself for having ever put it down on paper.

today i woke up at 11. kinda felt like shit.
i had some chocolate at 2. it helped a little, but now i'm just bored.

i think you should know; you're his favourite worst nightmare.

this has been a week of extremes. three of them, in fact.

1. frustration
yeah. actually this kinda boiled over from last week, but screw you if you wanna be anal about details.

so anywho.
for those who don't know (which i suppose would constitute a good 70 percent of friends), i'm attending an event at the Singapore Writers' Festival.

this is also going to be the first time i'm meeting a friend whom i've known online.
check her stuff out before i continue: http://magnetic-porcupine.deviantart.com/

she's my church friend's classmate, andddd she's 14. hold off the paedophilic allegations just a second. her mum's concerned about her meeting me - alone, and it's reasonable and understandable.
but from other instances i have experienced, her mum is more than a little paranoid.

i'll just state one example. i probably shouldn't 'cos she might consider this private, but i've got so much shit to get off my chest. so sorry stef!

--------
magnetic-porcupine said the following:

oh um my friend's coming along :x
i hope you don't mind >.<

and, also, my mother read through all the smses and she's like "o.o why are you talking to GUYS? i don't want you talking to guys at this age"

so i guess... best to minimize smses and all that? because i do tend to forget to delete smses a lot D:

thanks

so, in my signature sarcastic humour...

eh hello auntie ah. if i have to be incredibly straightforward to the point of being crude, then i'll say it.

at 14, there are already kids out there who're already fucking can. and getting pregnant somemore. though that's not the point actually.
and it's not like i'm even contemplating dating your daughter.

of course i know she has O levels ahead of her; i've been there before.
(i've actually told her before that she shouldn't do art for her O levels 'cos it's too time wasting.)

and if your daughter has to delete smses for fear of you reading them, then you might as well not have gotten her a phone.
or even let her go to school - who knows if there are lesbians among her classmates?

if anyone's going to distract her from her studies, it'll be you. yes you.
because all that time she has to spend deleting smses and the potential sleepless nights resulting from worrying if she deleted every last potentially incriminating sms would affect her more than any boyfriend.

if you think i'm some Internet stalker trying to take advantage of your daughter, consider the following:
1. i don't know what kind of a stalker would wait 3 hours in the sun on a Saturday afternoon, all on the off chance that he'd see what your daughter looks like.

2. or that he'd spend a Sunday afternoon at a literary event instead of a shopping mall, just so he can meet your daughter. and hopefully get into her pants. in the presence of 900 people.

3. or that your daughter's classmate would want her friend's art to be noticed by a stalker/ rapist. from her church, moreover.
but that isn't the point really, if priests can molest little boys.

if you still think i'm trying to ruin your daughter's future, then good on you. and you severely lack communication with her.

d is for delightful, and try to keep your trousers on...

i think the other two extremes, tiredness and depression (yep, you heard right) could be rolled into one, so i'll save myself the typing time and you people the reading time.

a note to self.

that initial rush of joy and sense of achievement i felt has started to fester.
it's been left to simmer and stew too long, instead of being tossed out, and i think i can begin to smell the reeking hubris.

anyway, GEMs picking tomorrow.
i'm not particularly looking forward to it, 'cos all the modules are equally impractical.
at least some are remotely appealing to me. like film appreciation.
but after the others regaled horror stories over training (eg. having to be online at least 5 minutes before the timeslot, the mad rush for vacancies etc.), i'm not particularly thrilled.
i just hope that whatever i choose won't be too demanding, or have some impossible form of assignment and assessment.

i can't believe the holidays have whizzed by so fast can.
oh wait, actually i can.

and thanks to Chuva, Peter Chao is my new drug. metaphorically speaking.
go Youtube him. seriously.

i think i know why i've been improving my jogar (play).
it must've been last week.

last Saturday we had a roda at Clarke Quay. which i've blogged about in part.
what i didn't mention was that for quite some time now, (actually, ever since i discovered Bantus Singapore has a Youtube channel) i've watched videos on Youtube to see how other people play in the roda.
last Thursday or Friday, i so happened to chance upon a video of me (and Deb) at our last roda, which was to celebrate for Claudinho. and i very clearly remember thinking (and saying) to myself, "Man, I suck."

that might've been the conscious motivation for me to improve. so that i could look better in video. of course my gut needs work too, but that's another story altogether.

==================

and today i learnt about Jedi. not the Star Wars ones.
the answer was obvious. in front of my face.
and i suspect i might've known it all along but never bothered to consider it.

be that as it may, the RP people are still way better than us.
i should make that motivation #2.

my joy is...

today made my holiday. today's training was awesome stuff.
even if it was just practicing the basics, it felt good.

even if it's just scratching the surface, it makes me happy.
it's a good feeling. it's as though this "flow" i've got (or rather, gained) truly belongs to me and no one else can take it away or imitate it.

please don't let next semester's timetable be full of fucked-up timings. classes had better end before 5.30 on Tuesdays and Thursdays. or else imma skip that shit.

or maybe just the last 5 mins. if they end at 5.30 exactly.
think about it: when you have 20 restless teenagers waiting to get their asses out of class, what important things can you accomplish in 5 minutes?

it's been a long time since i felt so high. nananana can't wait for Batizado! gehehehehehehe.

"but you're so bad, it's funny!"

i felt like blogging over the past few days, but didn't really have something to talk about. so today, i'll combine everything i've seen.

today we had RODA. at CLARKE QUAY.
today was good in a few ways. we had less people than the last roda, but we finished with a much bigger audience than last time. maybe everyone put more Axé into it. i could feel it.
it started to rain only when we finished and left. gotta thank God for that!

and i did more stuff (and played more) in the roda too. today i went in, like, 2 or 3 times as opposed to last time when i went in just once. and i think i played better.
though that may be in part due to me catching myself in a video of our last roda. man i sucked. majorly.
even though Jemuel still had to "choo-choo train" me to the front.

oh, and Polly? sorry i pulled that armada vo dora on you. i was planning on doing it earlier but i got compra-ed out.

only now have i started to comprehend what Claudinho meant when he said "40 percent of Capoeira, you learn in the classroom; the other 60 percent, you learn in the roda".

(i should end the post here while i sound so philosophical and "Confucius says", but i'm not done yet)

oh yes. SENTOSA on Wednesday!
it was nice to have a day just to chill. and not expect to do so many things at the beach, but just relax.
which is different from lazing around on my ass at home.
and we had Captain's Ball on the sand, which was awesome. Polly's ingenious bartop-dancing technique sure scored us some points.
note to self: do not attempt Capoeira on a beach. kicks and spins can cause disastrous results for spectators.

yep, that's it! nothing else in my holiday has been worthy of mention.
ps. i'm sorry if there were too many technical terms.

according to polly seah...

... there is a difference in a person's gender and sex. (or so she's learnt from her psychology classes)
gender refers to one's sexual orientation, while sex is your physiology.
for example, you could say a gay man's sex is male, but his gender is female.

so use it right, kids! (as if you'll ever need it, but just so you know.)

these few days,

while msn-ing and facebooking (and reading the youth fellowship blog), i realised a (should i say sad?) truth.

we show more concern for one another online than we do in person, in real life.

what's up with that?

this isn't something to keep up a front about.

what's there to pretend? pretend you aren't caring about others' lives?

here i'd like to quote some lyrics from the song Come As You Are by Nirvana. It's quite a nice little melancholic song.

come, as you are,

as a friend,

as i want you to be,

as a friend, as a friend,

as an old enemy,

---------

come, doused in mud,

soaked in bleach,

as i want you to be,

---------

and i swear that i don't have a gun,

no i don't have a gun,

yeah i don't have a gun.

i think this song really brings out the feel that one is alone, and is desperate to have anyone - anyone - for company.

we're surrounded by people, but do we treasure them?

yeah, sometimes some people are hard to appreciate. and i'm not one to judge, i don't have a perfect little world going on around me.

sorry for being so freaking emo.

a little dose of (self-proclaimed) art so you all will fun and laughter, peace and joy again.

practice piece from long long ago.

art homework i think.

pretty boys (and a few naked ones too).

cos everyone's a little homo (and porno) inside.

alright all, byebyegoodnightandhavefun!

can anyone recommend something for aching shoulders and back?

and bloody sp hasn't sent that freaking package yet... what does MID-feb mean?!