run me through with my own sword. or pencil.

something's killing me.
i think it's you.

yes, darling, i think it's you.

there i go again, pretending to be you.

yesterday.
i went to Anchorpoint to meet Annabelle so we could buy tickets to the Muse concert next February.

it's a hundred and fifty-eight bucks gone, but now i ish happy. ^_^ despite the rain yesterday.
observe this conversation:

Annabelle: K. Where're you anyhow.
Me: At tiong bahru. I take 33 from redhill right?
Yup. Get out of the mrt and cross the road to the bus stop. I think i better take umbrella to find you at Ikea bus stop.
Ok. Hahah why! Are there a lot of ppl there? Don't they all drive to ikea?
Huh its raining damn heavily! You be caught in the rain leh.
*train comes above ground and reaches redhill*
0.o what the FUCK!?

well, joy has no price, so what do you want?

and that's one quarter (for now) of one of my life goals accomplished: to see my favourite bands in concert. and the one that's most likely to take place too.
seeing as how my other favourite bands (for now) are the Arctic Monkeys (ehh...), the White Stripes (i don't think so), and Nirvana.

which obviously will not happen, unless Kurt Cobain should come back to life via some strange supernatural occurence.

and i've discovered the joys of Queensway.
i was actually just looking around for a cap or running shoes, but i think i'll return there in the holidays to shop.

thanks for hanging out with me Annabelle!

today i was supposed to go out with the guys for steamboat dinner at Bugis, but it fell through and became failboat. lol
another time perhaps.

and Depressing Saturday is still on. i really need to find something to do.
i mean, i could study, but i'll be damned if that perks me up.

Capoeira is off for December! boohoo.
but then again, i could use the time for my back to recover. please come back to me, dear space-near-my-kidneys.

boys like girls like boys.

maybe it's true; i can't live without you
and maybe two is better than one
we've so much time to figure out the rest of our lives
and you've already got me coming undone

and i'm thinking that
two is better than one.

never has a Boys Like Girls song made any sense to me.
until this week.

the facts have been laid bare to me. maybe it is all that simple - that we can just continue as friends.
but something inside me isn't willing to lie down and let it die. oh why.
perhaps it is all that simple.
it should be, but it isn't.

now that we're here, we may as well go too far...

is it ironic that passionfruit is sour?
or is it just a sarcastic truth that is realised only when people're supremely bored, or broken-hearted and trying to cheer themselves up in the most sadistic ways ever imagined?

annika235:-
i simply CANNOT understand how you can break hearts in 17 syllables. it should be illegal.

i cannot understand how people can put haikus together so effortlessly. and beautifully.
but i don't really care, as long as i can keep on agonising through writing.

you're the surprisenotshock, aim to stun but not to kill.

you've destroyed me; i thought i should let you know.
i'm severely out of it. school means nothing to me now, no more than just hours through the meat grinder.
capoeira is my only escape; my only oasis of sanity.
i'll just flee from emotional pain by inflicting physical pain. if ever that would work.

but what are the chances that i'll see your face everywhere?

straight circles, caipirinhas and horny old men.

so after Batizado yesterday, we had a barbeque at someone's condo at Tanjong Rhu. it's like so troublesome to get there can. haha

but i suppose it was worth it. which is not to say i had "fun", not in the fundamental sense of the word, no.
but it was an experience. it was nice just spending time and feeling the community spirit.

oh, and thanks to the internet (Bantus Australia's site actually) i found out what Bantus means. and how apt.

What does Bantus Mean?
The name Bantus refers to a broad African ethnic group, the Bantu people, who shared a similar language root and occupied two thirds of Western & Southern Africa (Angola, Guinea, Congo, Mozambique etc). The term Bantu refers to over 400 different ethnic groups from these African regions. –NTU means “human” and BA- indicates a plural, put together it means “people”.

in essence, we represent what Capoeira is about - something by the people, for the people.

anyway, we got there at 8 plus, and hung around till 12 plus - when Ray, Polly and I realised the last bus had left.
so we were screwed.
being capoeiristas, we did the only thing capoeiristas could - improvise.

from there we spent the whole night talking cock (and i do mean both figuratively and literally) and laughing and essentially enjoying being around each other, all while roaming the Kallang waterfront.
and macs breakfast. hahah

thanks Deb. if someone had to tell me, it might as well have been you.
at least i don't have to find out for myself the hard way. love ya big sis.

the bittersweet aftertaste of victory.

Batizado week is FINALLY over. whew.
but the ride was exhilarating while it lasted.
like seriously man, the workshops were awesome stuff.

and the instructors, they were... wow.
especially Grao and Rafael - they were overwhelming.
and they're so nice! haha now i'm gushing like some adolescent fangirl.
i feel i've learnt a lot from this week - and not just in terms of new moves.

but now that coral belt sits heavy on me.
it holds my pants up, but it's also weighing my shoulders down.

another depressing weekend.

this is becoming a pattern.
since when did saturdays become synonymous with emptiness, spontaneous crying and longing?

seriously man, there's too much shit happening around me and within.
i shouldn't have to deal with suicide, relapse and auto-asphyxiation. even when they're all of the emotional variety and not actually happening.

and it's not helping that the things that are supposed to make me happy aren't.
as much as i'm looking forward to Batizado, it's making me worry if i'll measure up to what my seniors can do, and have done, after i get my cord.

and how can love hurt when it's not real?
perhaps because somewhere deep inside me, i've already resigned myself to the fact that this one, like all my crushes before, will pass, leaving me to wade blindly through this ephemeral mist that, even though it is weightless, crushes me like the weight of the world.
even though i think this one will be different.

like how i thought all those that came before would be different, and they failed all the same.

at least i still have Capoeira to preserve my (in)sanity. and awesome friends.
and i'm meeting bestbro tomorrow! there's so much we haven't said and shared.
get ready for a lame-ass Sunday afternoon, Ben!

fools on parade cavort and carry on; to waiting eyes...

oh darling, won't you come save me from myself, complete my ABCs.