i can't get no sleep.

Hmm I realise recently that I've had a change in sleeping posture. I'm somehow not comfortable with lying down flat now.
All of a sudden my mind is drifting to those psychology quizzes, the ones that somehow link your preferred sleeping position to your personality.
I should probably sleep now, even though I can't get to sleep.
Maybe this is why I like to stay up late, so I get too tired and my mind can't wander and never quite come back.

And why am I even discussing relationship advice with Lingkee. Pffftttt.
I really think too much.

homophobes ♥

in a perfect world, when homophobes die and go to hell, i wouldn't even have them tortured. no skinning, no boiling alive, no flaying.
nope, that's too easy.

in my hell, homophobes get bent over and buttfucked to eternity and beyond.
by other homophobes.
and then they get to change places.

actually if i could have a perfect world, there wouldn't be any homophobes.
hmm how would it feel for straight people to be the minority.

oh how i love you, ignorant anonymous youtube fuckface.
i love how you're such a wonderful waste of sperm, food and space.
please stop breathing my air.
thank you.

special needs.

ugh i'm having food cravings all of a sudden.
might just be the fact that there's only mooncakes in the house (which i am THIS close to being sick of) and i haven't had peanut butter in really long.

so now, the things i want:
1. marche. have yet to try the pork knuckle (WANT) and i want to go back for the rosti and soup. i mean, i love soup spoon, but there's something about marche's that kills me, how they're so thick and it looks like pure mashed pumpkin is slipping from your spoon. AGHHHH
oh yeah, now i mention it...
2. soup spoon. i've pretty much been shut-in so far for the holidays. if it's not training, i'm at home cleaning out my room and cutting out stuff from my stack of magazines and art exhibition guides. i'm such a fucking hoarder.
3. astons. okay they're fine, not really good GOOD food but pretty damn close. i don't know what it is exactly i miss. maybe the ambience (okay not really, i just like sitting in a booth).
4. IKEA.
5. FAST FOOD ANY FAST FOOD NAO. can't believe i haven't had kfc in 2 months. rargh
6. FC 4's PHAD THAI

thankfully my intellectual needs are being satisfied. holiday reads and movies are getting under way.
although i've been enjoying Never Let Me Go, i'm somewhat reluctant to finish it.
something about thundering through a story that unfolds over 10, 15 years just doesn't feel right to me. like i'm destroying the emotional intensity of the conclusion.
maybe it's just that i can identify more with the story, and how people change and friends fall apart and come back together.
so to risk the lousy pun, i just can't let go of Never Let Me Go, just yet.
SP LIBRARY Y U NO HAVE LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE/ LOVE AND OTHER DRUGS :(

okay i'll go to bed now before i ramble on about other needs and this gets inappropriate and embarrassing.

places to go, things to do.

(originally this was tuesday)

wow so this is how it feels to be alive. hahah
i'm actually doing something with my holidays. this feels good.

i've made a mental list of things i've done (and plan to do). alright, step one to being a wiener.
1. Birthday cards (so i'll half strike out this one. cos i've done one and another's coming along)
2. Start drawing again (and maybe a little watercolour too. woothoot)
3. Train aggressively and start on new floreios
4. Borrow all the DVDs/ books on my to-watch/ to-read list
5. GET A JOB
6. Go out. A lot. Hopefully without spending too much, but c'mon, who are we kidding.

usually when i make lists of assignments due, i tend to throw in stuff that i've already completed.
yknow, just sort of as a motivation. and to lie to myself also. eheheh
not mentioning that the already achieved targets take up half the list. yay for lazy-bastardness.

and i don't know if it's because of going back to SA and seeing my O level piece, but i suddenly feel like creating installation pieces around SP.
okay so the idea came into my head as a joke first. it was more like wanting to scribble fancy shit on cubicle walls.
which is what i did back then in SA anyway, on classroom tables.
but yeah, i want to explore a more illustrative style and anonymously decorate SP's toilets with my unique brand of random.

AND i realised i'm focusing more on still life recently. it's strange, i used to hate still life cause it was so dead.
but i guess now that i've not drawn in so long, i subconsciously feel as though i'm learning how to draw all over again.
and still life feels good now. it feels nice to just be able to take something, to feel it in a spatial sense and just appreciate the form that it possesses and capture that form. maybe this is why people like still life.
in any case, i'm taking the chance to brush up on my foundation work.

mmkay that's it, i'll save the rest of my thoughts for another post.

post-teacher's day thoughts.

now that's 1 birthday card i've completed, and another i'm about to make.
it's entirely accidental, but it so happens that the only people who'll ever get to see the card in its completed entirety will be me and the person receiving it, even though other people were involved in the gift.
that is, unless they show it to people.

coincidental as it is, i feel like it becomes an unspoken secret of sorts between the maker and the recipient.
maybe that's the way it should be.
everyone knows everyone gave you something for your birthday, but you'll be the one to fully appreciate the feelings every single person put into it.

so i went back to SA last Thursday.
it's funny, getting to look back at my o level coursework to see how much i've changed and grown since then.
or rather, seeing how much of a stupid kid i was back then in comparison. lol
it's funny cause now i look back and see how much i wasn't thinking and using my brain, and how shallow the way i thought about art was.
back then everything was so simple. life in secondary school was simple.
ahh now i feel like starting on drawing all again. and then i immediately got depressed cause i took a look at the shit i've done since, and it all lacks impact.
(i wrote that last bit last friday, but scratch that)

and after i'd got home from training, showered and fb-ed, i had a conversation with Shah.
i like how when i talk to different people, they bring out different sides of me and get me to engage my mind in ways i wouldn't expect.
honestly, i'd never think i'd be talking about Popspoken's future direction with ANYONE.
i mean c'mon, i just read their articles from time to time. plus i'm not a cass kid, what do i know about this stuff.

but yeah, sometimes you have these thoughts all fully formed in your head, but you'll never realise it until you meet the right person (or people) you can talk to. these people can lead you to speak it out and realise you knew the answers all along.
"we all know the answers to our problems, we just pretend that we don't to make ourselves feel better."

neway.
i knew i'd learnt a lot and changed a lot as a person since entering poly, but it took that conversation for me to fully grasp how much i've grown.
honestly if not for art, i wouldn't really have a reason to go back and visit.

it's like what Shah said, it's the same to me as it is to him. secondary school's just a phase we left behind. we grew up and out of it, out of who we were.
but i guess it wouldn't be right to say our experiences in poly are solely responsible for making us who we are and shaping our views and perspectives. in some sense secondary school wasn't something we could just shake off, simply cause we think nothing life-changing happened then. it was the initial springboard, the catalyst for changing us. without the (seemingly unimportant) experiences back then, we wouldn't have had our revelations in poly.
and without the revelations, we would never realise just how significant those experiences were.
so it's kind of like a back-and-forth-nonlinear-narration-cycle. THANK YOU ETERNAL SUNSHINE

so yeah, after doing sherwei's card, i have regained some semblance of confidence in myself to pick up a pencil.
and after i finish sorting out my room, i'll go through all my magazine cutouts and find inspiration.

and number one lesson i've learnt from poly (ehh i'm actually kinda hesitant to say this) is that
everyone is a little fucked up inside, but that doesn't mean you should avoid them.
rather we should live with it, and embrace their quirks and flaws. people can think; we're flexible, not jigsaw pieces.
especially if they're your friends.
i mean, there's only so many potential friends you can afford to avoid, thinking you'll find a more perfect person to befriend.
don't ever forget, EVERYONE has a problem. even you.
otherwise you wouldn't be looking for a friend.
and when you find a "perfect" friend, who's to say they won't pick on you?
the Mad Hatter said once that the best kind of people are all a little insane. i think we can apply fucked-up to replace insane, they are sometimes synonymous after all.

it's funny, when i write these bits, i'm directing them more at myself than at anyone. i don't criticise people behind a screen and keyboard. when i feel like i have to, you probably won't know. yeah, i'm passive aggressive that way.

thoughts at 2:56 AM.

(also a letter to myself)

boys.
if you want to go after a girl, don't wait too long to ask her out.
if you think you'll want to get to know her better first before making the move, you're buttfucking yourself. and let's not even go on to what a girl will think, let's talk about your own mind.

see: you meet her, you think you like her.
if the initial attraction is there, please PLEASE reach some sort of decision soon. okay so everyone's perception of soon is different.
it's okay to want to know her better, but please don't think you'll wait to know her completely before asking her out.
two things:
1. if you manage to know next to everything about her (assuming that is possible), then what are you going to be doing for the course of the relationship? people enter relationships for the chance to try, to find out. if you KNOW who it'd work with, and who not, you wouldn't be living your sad lonely life.
2. it is IMPOSSIBLE to know everything about a person just from being a friend. particular things will only be brought out by particular people. like how some people bring out the best in us, some the worst, and some both (don't ask how they can do it).

plus if a girl does expect anything, it'll probably be in the first 3 to 6 months of you knowing her (don't ask how i came up with these numbers, they talk to me). in this time, she's still doesn't really know you, so there's a gap between you and her. she probably won't be opening up to you about everything, so there's a defense in place.
once you know her well enough, she'll probably feel comfortable around you. problem: she'll see you purely as a friend. good luck you.

------------------------
i don't know why i'm giving myself relationship advice. the whole idea just occurred to me suddenly.
at least now i've had time to think things through. i feel my mind clearing already even though i haven't reached some resolution.

"i feel like/ i wouldn't like me, if i met me"