post-teacher's day thoughts.

now that's 1 birthday card i've completed, and another i'm about to make.
it's entirely accidental, but it so happens that the only people who'll ever get to see the card in its completed entirety will be me and the person receiving it, even though other people were involved in the gift.
that is, unless they show it to people.

coincidental as it is, i feel like it becomes an unspoken secret of sorts between the maker and the recipient.
maybe that's the way it should be.
everyone knows everyone gave you something for your birthday, but you'll be the one to fully appreciate the feelings every single person put into it.

so i went back to SA last Thursday.
it's funny, getting to look back at my o level coursework to see how much i've changed and grown since then.
or rather, seeing how much of a stupid kid i was back then in comparison. lol
it's funny cause now i look back and see how much i wasn't thinking and using my brain, and how shallow the way i thought about art was.
back then everything was so simple. life in secondary school was simple.
ahh now i feel like starting on drawing all again. and then i immediately got depressed cause i took a look at the shit i've done since, and it all lacks impact.
(i wrote that last bit last friday, but scratch that)

and after i'd got home from training, showered and fb-ed, i had a conversation with Shah.
i like how when i talk to different people, they bring out different sides of me and get me to engage my mind in ways i wouldn't expect.
honestly, i'd never think i'd be talking about Popspoken's future direction with ANYONE.
i mean c'mon, i just read their articles from time to time. plus i'm not a cass kid, what do i know about this stuff.

but yeah, sometimes you have these thoughts all fully formed in your head, but you'll never realise it until you meet the right person (or people) you can talk to. these people can lead you to speak it out and realise you knew the answers all along.
"we all know the answers to our problems, we just pretend that we don't to make ourselves feel better."

neway.
i knew i'd learnt a lot and changed a lot as a person since entering poly, but it took that conversation for me to fully grasp how much i've grown.
honestly if not for art, i wouldn't really have a reason to go back and visit.

it's like what Shah said, it's the same to me as it is to him. secondary school's just a phase we left behind. we grew up and out of it, out of who we were.
but i guess it wouldn't be right to say our experiences in poly are solely responsible for making us who we are and shaping our views and perspectives. in some sense secondary school wasn't something we could just shake off, simply cause we think nothing life-changing happened then. it was the initial springboard, the catalyst for changing us. without the (seemingly unimportant) experiences back then, we wouldn't have had our revelations in poly.
and without the revelations, we would never realise just how significant those experiences were.
so it's kind of like a back-and-forth-nonlinear-narration-cycle. THANK YOU ETERNAL SUNSHINE

so yeah, after doing sherwei's card, i have regained some semblance of confidence in myself to pick up a pencil.
and after i finish sorting out my room, i'll go through all my magazine cutouts and find inspiration.

and number one lesson i've learnt from poly (ehh i'm actually kinda hesitant to say this) is that
everyone is a little fucked up inside, but that doesn't mean you should avoid them.
rather we should live with it, and embrace their quirks and flaws. people can think; we're flexible, not jigsaw pieces.
especially if they're your friends.
i mean, there's only so many potential friends you can afford to avoid, thinking you'll find a more perfect person to befriend.
don't ever forget, EVERYONE has a problem. even you.
otherwise you wouldn't be looking for a friend.
and when you find a "perfect" friend, who's to say they won't pick on you?
the Mad Hatter said once that the best kind of people are all a little insane. i think we can apply fucked-up to replace insane, they are sometimes synonymous after all.

it's funny, when i write these bits, i'm directing them more at myself than at anyone. i don't criticise people behind a screen and keyboard. when i feel like i have to, you probably won't know. yeah, i'm passive aggressive that way.