you are the fugitive, but you don't know what you're running from.

2 + 3. exhaustion/ depression

it's been ongoing for quite some time now, i've noticed.
i haven't been to prayer meeting for a couple of months, and even longer for Life Arts.
it seems that i never listen to my first instincts, and whenever i don't, they're right.

and late nights have caused another kind of tiredness, but that happens to everyone so who cares.
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and following a series of surprising and even mildly shocking revelations via msn, from sometime last week, i've felt even more drained.

i seem to remember saying earlier this year that i wanted to be depressed. so i could write more, and better.
i feel that i wrote better, if i wrote at all, when i was depressed.
well, i can't say i didn't get my wish.

but now, at writing two or three poems (for lack of a better word - i don't like the term), i feel like crap. mainly because i've milked them from others' misery.

at first i was like "hey i've got to write this! it sounds awesome!"
but after i'm done, i hate myself for having ever put it down on paper.

today i woke up at 11. kinda felt like shit.
i had some chocolate at 2. it helped a little, but now i'm just bored.

i think you should know; you're his favourite worst nightmare.

this has been a week of extremes. three of them, in fact.

1. frustration
yeah. actually this kinda boiled over from last week, but screw you if you wanna be anal about details.

so anywho.
for those who don't know (which i suppose would constitute a good 70 percent of friends), i'm attending an event at the Singapore Writers' Festival.

this is also going to be the first time i'm meeting a friend whom i've known online.
check her stuff out before i continue: http://magnetic-porcupine.deviantart.com/

she's my church friend's classmate, andddd she's 14. hold off the paedophilic allegations just a second. her mum's concerned about her meeting me - alone, and it's reasonable and understandable.
but from other instances i have experienced, her mum is more than a little paranoid.

i'll just state one example. i probably shouldn't 'cos she might consider this private, but i've got so much shit to get off my chest. so sorry stef!

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magnetic-porcupine said the following:

oh um my friend's coming along :x
i hope you don't mind >.<

and, also, my mother read through all the smses and she's like "o.o why are you talking to GUYS? i don't want you talking to guys at this age"

so i guess... best to minimize smses and all that? because i do tend to forget to delete smses a lot D:

thanks

so, in my signature sarcastic humour...

eh hello auntie ah. if i have to be incredibly straightforward to the point of being crude, then i'll say it.

at 14, there are already kids out there who're already fucking can. and getting pregnant somemore. though that's not the point actually.
and it's not like i'm even contemplating dating your daughter.

of course i know she has O levels ahead of her; i've been there before.
(i've actually told her before that she shouldn't do art for her O levels 'cos it's too time wasting.)

and if your daughter has to delete smses for fear of you reading them, then you might as well not have gotten her a phone.
or even let her go to school - who knows if there are lesbians among her classmates?

if anyone's going to distract her from her studies, it'll be you. yes you.
because all that time she has to spend deleting smses and the potential sleepless nights resulting from worrying if she deleted every last potentially incriminating sms would affect her more than any boyfriend.

if you think i'm some Internet stalker trying to take advantage of your daughter, consider the following:
1. i don't know what kind of a stalker would wait 3 hours in the sun on a Saturday afternoon, all on the off chance that he'd see what your daughter looks like.

2. or that he'd spend a Sunday afternoon at a literary event instead of a shopping mall, just so he can meet your daughter. and hopefully get into her pants. in the presence of 900 people.

3. or that your daughter's classmate would want her friend's art to be noticed by a stalker/ rapist. from her church, moreover.
but that isn't the point really, if priests can molest little boys.

if you still think i'm trying to ruin your daughter's future, then good on you. and you severely lack communication with her.

d is for delightful, and try to keep your trousers on...

i think the other two extremes, tiredness and depression (yep, you heard right) could be rolled into one, so i'll save myself the typing time and you people the reading time.

a note to self.

that initial rush of joy and sense of achievement i felt has started to fester.
it's been left to simmer and stew too long, instead of being tossed out, and i think i can begin to smell the reeking hubris.

anyway, GEMs picking tomorrow.
i'm not particularly looking forward to it, 'cos all the modules are equally impractical.
at least some are remotely appealing to me. like film appreciation.
but after the others regaled horror stories over training (eg. having to be online at least 5 minutes before the timeslot, the mad rush for vacancies etc.), i'm not particularly thrilled.
i just hope that whatever i choose won't be too demanding, or have some impossible form of assignment and assessment.

i can't believe the holidays have whizzed by so fast can.
oh wait, actually i can.

and thanks to Chuva, Peter Chao is my new drug. metaphorically speaking.
go Youtube him. seriously.

i think i know why i've been improving my jogar (play).
it must've been last week.

last Saturday we had a roda at Clarke Quay. which i've blogged about in part.
what i didn't mention was that for quite some time now, (actually, ever since i discovered Bantus Singapore has a Youtube channel) i've watched videos on Youtube to see how other people play in the roda.
last Thursday or Friday, i so happened to chance upon a video of me (and Deb) at our last roda, which was to celebrate for Claudinho. and i very clearly remember thinking (and saying) to myself, "Man, I suck."

that might've been the conscious motivation for me to improve. so that i could look better in video. of course my gut needs work too, but that's another story altogether.

==================

and today i learnt about Jedi. not the Star Wars ones.
the answer was obvious. in front of my face.
and i suspect i might've known it all along but never bothered to consider it.

be that as it may, the RP people are still way better than us.
i should make that motivation #2.

my joy is...

today made my holiday. today's training was awesome stuff.
even if it was just practicing the basics, it felt good.

even if it's just scratching the surface, it makes me happy.
it's a good feeling. it's as though this "flow" i've got (or rather, gained) truly belongs to me and no one else can take it away or imitate it.

please don't let next semester's timetable be full of fucked-up timings. classes had better end before 5.30 on Tuesdays and Thursdays. or else imma skip that shit.

or maybe just the last 5 mins. if they end at 5.30 exactly.
think about it: when you have 20 restless teenagers waiting to get their asses out of class, what important things can you accomplish in 5 minutes?

it's been a long time since i felt so high. nananana can't wait for Batizado! gehehehehehehe.

"but you're so bad, it's funny!"

i felt like blogging over the past few days, but didn't really have something to talk about. so today, i'll combine everything i've seen.

today we had RODA. at CLARKE QUAY.
today was good in a few ways. we had less people than the last roda, but we finished with a much bigger audience than last time. maybe everyone put more Axé into it. i could feel it.
it started to rain only when we finished and left. gotta thank God for that!

and i did more stuff (and played more) in the roda too. today i went in, like, 2 or 3 times as opposed to last time when i went in just once. and i think i played better.
though that may be in part due to me catching myself in a video of our last roda. man i sucked. majorly.
even though Jemuel still had to "choo-choo train" me to the front.

oh, and Polly? sorry i pulled that armada vo dora on you. i was planning on doing it earlier but i got compra-ed out.

only now have i started to comprehend what Claudinho meant when he said "40 percent of Capoeira, you learn in the classroom; the other 60 percent, you learn in the roda".

(i should end the post here while i sound so philosophical and "Confucius says", but i'm not done yet)

oh yes. SENTOSA on Wednesday!
it was nice to have a day just to chill. and not expect to do so many things at the beach, but just relax.
which is different from lazing around on my ass at home.
and we had Captain's Ball on the sand, which was awesome. Polly's ingenious bartop-dancing technique sure scored us some points.
note to self: do not attempt Capoeira on a beach. kicks and spins can cause disastrous results for spectators.

yep, that's it! nothing else in my holiday has been worthy of mention.
ps. i'm sorry if there were too many technical terms.