mis.

misconstrue seems to have been the buzzword of our relationship.

this message I misunderstood, that phone call you took wrongly.

perhaps we were nothing more than a miss.

and all our truth was in all that we left unsaid.

still, leaving aside any (less than pleasant) personal opinions and possible bitter comments I may have regarding his "irresponsibility", and what I think was the real irresponsibility here, I still have you to thank.

I still remember what you said to me once,

"jumping into another relationship with a identity crisis is just going to open up a can of worms."

I suspect I wasn't the only one who had problems then.

But honestly, all bitterness aside, you helped me to come out of my issues.

You helped me grow. So thank you for that.

But I still need to grow up and learn about people and relationships.

And maybe you have to as well, but maybe in a different way. So goodbye for now.

...not doing anything,

not even reading, not really, just

looking at your telephone,

wondering if I was going to call.

I'm not sorry I disconnected for so long; it wasn't a conscious effort on my part.

And I know how people can remain normal friends even after a breakup, but I cannot see that.

Since this wasn't a proper relationship, therefore it wasn't a breakup.

And we weren't normal friends to begin with.

perhaps when I find what and who exactly I am angry with, and I resolve my issues.

In the meantime, I'll spend time knowing myself better.

...you could be happy, and I won't know,...

shrouding us in moments unforgettable;

well baby, if we're going to forget how to swim,
then it's just as well that i go down
drowning in you.

all this ship-fool asks is that
my last breaths be gasps of you, before sweet oblivion
takes me under.

"just say yes, 'cause I'm aching and I know you are too,
for the touch of your warm skin
as I breathe you in."

-Just Say Yes, Snow Patrol

before this attraction ferments,...

...kiss me properly and pull me apart.

[okay what the hey was I thinking back then. this blog post is not in continuity with the previous.
you know what, screw the last one.]

explain to me how not to love someone like you.
but as much as I'd like to dive headfirst into it, I realise I need to have boundaries. I just need you to know that
I'm not being insensitive, just defensive.
there's too many things I need to protect myself from. and I thought all first relationships would be easy.

at first I was raring to go, to just leap into this whole business. then, I thought it would be unfair to both of us - more for you than me, seeing as how you'd be climbing back from the fall.
now I'm not so sure.

everything's coming too fast at me.
I don't want us both to fall too fast, and then realise later that we're stuck.
I don't want to be another fool. Not your fool, no.

but yes, I need some time. not to find myself exactly, but to find what I want.
and I haven't thanked you properly for your patience, but I think I like the status quo very much.

and between now and then, till I see you again...

fair? what fair?

and I thought taiwan dramas were just vapid entertainment.
last night I was alone at home, and watching my weekly dose of 就想赖着你 (or Down With Love for those of you who either failed chinese, or aren't chinese but watch chinese dramas thanks to subtitles) on Channel U.

I like it, but it's not like I can't live without it, you understand. it just so happens I'm at home and not going out every saturday night.

anyway, to not bore you with details...
these two best friends, after many twists and turns in the plot, decide they both love the same girl.
one of them actually hurt her before, but now decides he really loves her. so he suggests that they "compete fairly" for her.

that got me thinking.
as far as relationships are (and I am) concerned, guys can compete on equal ground for a relationship.
If you can ask her out, so can I.
If I can confess to her, you have every right in the world to do the same, before or after me.
and I believe in that.
or at least I used to, prior to last night.

this whole concept of "fair competition" has a simple and fatal flaw.
you and I can strive equally for that someone's time and affection, yes. that's fair.
but we forget.
for all our pursuit of fairness, is your little competition fair for he/she who is caught in your crossfire?
and what then, after you get the girl?

i might be a fool or a coward for not willing to risk it all.
but my happiness should not come at anyone's expense.